i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
