So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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