He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
