quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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