his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
