giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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