K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
