My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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