I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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