Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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