I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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