so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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