i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
