i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Randomize
