Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
