Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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