nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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