if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
