My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
