Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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