He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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