I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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