he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
