one might say we're banned from that church
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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