My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
