If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
