I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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