M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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