I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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