so that wasnt chicken after all
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
