I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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