Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
