well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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