I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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