I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
