I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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