I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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