If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
