Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
