We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
