I hate your face
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
