The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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