I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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