before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
