I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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