I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
