I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
