by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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