note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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