they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
