M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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